metrodaheyat

Uşaqlığım yadıma düşdü.

İndinin uşaqları bilməzlər çox.Ən azından uşaqlığı Naxçıvanda keçməyənlər. Bir ara hər axşam 2 saatlıq aralıqlarla 1 saatlığına şəhərin fərqli bölgələrində işıqları söndürürdülər ki, elektrik şəbəkəsi çox yüklənməsin. Əvvəl babamgilin evində qalanda, neftlə işləyən mator var idi. İşıqlar sönəndə, onu xodlayıb televizora baxa bilirdik, amma gəl ki səsindən televizorun səsini eşitmək mümkün olmurdur. Əminən ki siz də o motorlardan hansısa ərzaq dükanının qabağında gürmüsünüz.

Daha sonra yeni evə köçdük və babagildən ayrıldıq. Artıq neftlə işləyən, səsi 3 kmdən asanlıqla eşidilən motorumuz yox idi evdə. Onun əvəzinə qaz lampası var idi. Əminəm ki qaz lampasının iyisi haminizin sevimli iyisi olub ( o vaxtın narkmanlığı…). Gündüzləri lazım olmazdı, çünki gün ərzində ya məktəbdə olurduq ya da həyətdə 1001 hoqqadan çıxırdıq. Axşamlar ki, gəlirdi, hamı əlli ayaqlı o qaz lampasını axtarırdı. İndi başa düşürəm niyə qaz lampası qız cehizinin başında gedir. O qaz lampası var idi, hər kəsi öz köz işığının ətrafında toplayardı. Ana yerə dəsmal sərərdi ki hamı yerdə otursun, Hamı günəbaxan tumunu əlinə alar işıqlar yanana qədər heç bir problemsiz 1 saatını qaz lampası ətrafında keçirərdi. Qardaşımla, tək yazılmamış qanun, qaz lampası ətrafında dalaşmamaq idi, çünki birincisi vuracağımız yeri tam görə bilmirdik, ikincisi işıqlar sönəndə ana ilə ata yanımızda olurdu. Mümkün deyil idi yəni işıqlar sönəndə dalaşmaq.

Baba ilə nənə televizoru sevən insan idilər ona göreç onlar tərəfdə işıqlar sönəndə biz tərəfə keçirdilər reklam aralarında ki, bizim evdə davam edə bilsinlər seriallarına. Yəqin “Ihlamurlar Altında”a baxırdılar. Bəzən sistemi tam dayişdirərdilər. Nənə ilə baba bizə gələndə də işıqları söndürərdilər. Onda mənlə qardaşımın ən sevimli vaxtı idi. Çünki baba bizdə idi və bizdən başqa fikrini cəlb edəcək heç nə yox idi. Lampa yenə həmişəki kimi otaqda yanar, iyisi bütün evi bürüyər, mənlə qardaşım babanın ayağı altında oturub, babamın əsgərlik hekayələrinə qulaq asardıq, uzun illər sonra öyrəndim ki baba əsgərlikdə olmayıb. Alman faşıstlərini qırdığını elə danışırdı ki tüklərim biz biz olurdu. Baba kimi hekayə danışan hələ də qabağıma çıxmayıb.

Qaz lampası həyatımda, bəlkə də həyatınızda çox dəyişiklik edib. Bəzən gedin işıqları mərkəzdən söndürün, oturun qaz lampası ətrafında 1 saat. Biraz qaz iyisi sizi vursun bihuş olun ailənizlə.

Bakımın Küləyi al məni buralardan,

Al yanına sevdiklərin kimi,

Al yanına Xəzərin dalğası kimi,

Bakımın küləyi onun ətrini gətir mənə

Gətir mənə nəfəs kimi,

Gətir mənə çiçək kimi.

Bakının Küləyi apar məndən dərdimi,

Apar məndən sevgimi,

Apar məndən hislərimi.

Apar ki, yenidən əvvəlki mən ola bilim

Bakımın küləyi, apar məni öz yanına

Apar məni sevgimə,

Apar məni hissslərimə.

Apar ki, gecəm dönsün gündüzə,

Apar ki, qaranlığıma dönsün günəş

I am a homeless. I wasn’t once. I had a roof, family, a job, a normal life. I wasn’t rich but I wasn’t starving as now. The last time I had was a half yogurt that I found after a kid left on the bench yesterday afternoon. I had a daughter, and a beautiful wife. We met in the university, she was a junior year and I was senior. Only one year left to finish with books and starting new life, successful career. I approached her I don’t know how many times but somehow she accepted my invitation once. After 5 years, we had a beautiful daughter. We were living in the 6th floor of the building and my 4 years fall from the balcony and after 2 month I found my wife hanging from the ceiling.

After 2 years, I was fired from my work. It was understandable, I wasn’t able to finish the simplest task, because all 2 years I was only seeing my daughter’s dead body in blood and my wife is hanging from the ceiling.

I wasn’t able to find any job, I wasn’t able to pay my rents and eventually I was kicked out of flat as well. All these years, I pushed everyone away from me, I didn’t have any door to knock.

End of spring, I found myself in the street, the first day I slept on the bench, it wasn’t so bad. There were mild wind was brushing my hair. It made me feel alive for a moment. I had some money in my pocket because I sold everything I had but wasn’t enough to live in the street more than 1 week. I tried to find a labor job. After all years, I was so weak that I wasn’t able to lift one brick. They told me to go after a week.

Life turned his face to the evil, but she smiled so well at the beginning.

No one accepted me for months, at least I was able to find some places to sleep. I was sleeping sometimes in train stations, or in unfinished buildings. Winter was almost here. My last chance was going to the homeless shelter or otherwise I would die in the 3rd week of winter. I was so weak and skinny that one single strong wind would make me fall. I spent 3 months in the shelter. It was more horrible than I would imagine. I don’t know how many times I was bitten there, or how many time people stole my food or peed on me while I am sleeping. I run from the shelter right after winter.

It was almost a year that I was officially a homeless. I was seeing people holding their noses passing after me. It felt almost comfortable to sleep on the ground or on the grass. I wouldn’t suggest you to sleep on the wet grass, or the next day you will have a bad kidney pain. Since I was wearing so many things on me, it was alright.

I didn’t think my past for months. I forgot my dead daughter and wife. I even stopped visiting them. All I wanted now, was toasted bread, jelly butter on it. I even would give my hat for it. Hat is a must in the street. If you don’t want to get hit by sun, hat is must.

Would you take my hat and buy me a toasted bread with butter on it? I asked from a well dressed lady. I saw tears were coming from her eyes. She called my name. I was surprised. I haven’t heard my name almost a year. It felt different

– Do I know you ma’m?

-Yes, you were sitting in front of me in the class

I tried so hard but I wasn’t able to remember her. She was sniffing her nose. I didn’t know because of my smell or she was crying. She gave me her hand to get me up. Nobody gave me a hand for years. I was all alone, I was falling and people were stepping over me. Now, a beautiful lady giving me a hand. I didn’t want to touch her with my dirty hands, I stood up.

– Would you please come with me? she said with very soft and elegant voice

She stopped crying and with a smile on her face showed me to come with her head. I didn’t know what to do. I tried so hard to remember her but all I was able to think was my empty stomach. I followed her, we didn’t talk at all on the way, I was trying to keep a distance because of the smell I was spreading around. After 20 mins of the walk , she invited me to her flat. My heart was beating. I haven’t seen home for years or I wasn’t able to see any place as home. Her place was small but smelling like a house.

She gave me a towel and some man clothes.

– I was going to throw them away, at least you can use them. Take a shower then we can talk.

Ringing… 5 seconds.. still ringing.. There is no answer yet. My only last wish was  to say goodbye and hear my favorite  voice while standing at my favorite place . I am  looking all the way down, I try to stop imagining myself down there in the blood, all of my bones broken, probably nobody will recognize my face, that is why I will do my best  to fall on my back.

I chose  the tallest building in the city. I calculated how long I will fall. Building was 200 m , so my falling time will be exactly 6.3 seconds. I will talk about what crossed my mind in 6.3 seconds.

I closed my eyes and jumped.

I regretted.. I shouldn’t have jumped. Hanging myself was better idea, there were more time to think. Then I realized hanging will stop me breathing and  I wouldn’t able to think. Then I felt proud for my decision. Also, I was falling on my back.

This was the first half second.

I remembered my childhood, my happiness, my first memory. Do you know what is funny? I even didn’t know that I had a such memory about my mom is washing me in the small metal box , middle of the room. I was enjoying so much despite  soup was hurting my eyes so much. I remembered my dad was putting me on his lap while he is driving and letting me to hold the steering wheel. That time, I was thinking that I was actually driving. Isn’t the life exactly like this. You think, you have the control but you don’t know when the  life will  take the control, mostly you don’t have even single chance to control.

This was about one and the half second.

I tried to remember why I jumped and will end my life in four and the half second but I only remembered my friends, my family and most importantly my mom’s food. Damn… Why the hell I jumped?? I won’t able to eat those most delicious foods. Okay.. Can someone take me back? Nobody? Anyway… Let’s continue falling. For a moment, I felt all my mom’s  foods taste in my mouth .  Still, I am falling happily.

This was one second.

I have seen everyone I love crying. Now,  I was hallucinating. All people were looking at me  from up there with tears in their eyes. Your cry was  stronger than anyone .  I felt bad for all of you but I couldn’t take this pain anymore. The last 3 seconds I was looking at  people I love crying in the blue sky.

Uşaqlığımda heç yerə gedə bilməyimi düşünürdüm Ancaq Naxçıvanda qalıb elə buradaca həyatımı sona çataçağını düşünən biri idim. Çünki evin həyətindən uzağa gedə bilmirdim evdəkilərin qoruxusundan. Hətta bir dəfə kəmərlə belə döyülmüşəm sadəcə yolu keçdiyim üçün. Məni az çox anladınız sizə nə demək istəyirəm.

Pasportumu 2013-cü ildə aldım. Hələ o vaxt 16 yaşında uşaqların pasport alması qadağan olan müddətdə. Necə yenə əlləm-qülləm elədim pasportu aldım hamıdan qabaq. İlk dəfə pasportu əlimə aldıqda sanki dünyaların qapısı açılmış kimi hiss elədim. Sizə də əla gəlməmişdi?

Amma sizdə də yəqin elə olub, o pasport mamanın süvenerəri arasında toz basmağa talib oldu.Lakin, onu orda çox saxlaya bilməzdim və bir qırğınla qonşu ölkəyə getmək üçün 16 yaşımda dava ilə icazə aldım.

Almaz olaydım….

Dostum Əli, ilə Türkiyə səyahətinə çıxdıq. Onunla birgə almışdım pasportu. Yazıq uşaq bilsəydi o səhvi eləməzdi.

Deməli, ikimizdə gecədən tez sevincərək yatmışıq ki, səhər birinci dəfə başqa ölkəyə gedəcəyik ( bizim Afət qonşu üçün kartofun kilosu 30 qəpik olan bazardı amma) . Səhərin gözü açılmamışdan, biz artıq evin qabağında gözlüyürük. Avtobus dayanağı bizim evə yaxın idi. Hərərmizdə anamızdan bir təhər 100 manat qopartmışıq ki gedim paltar alacağıq. Bəxtəvər başımıza.

Uzun yolda yaxşı oğlanlar kimi şəkil çəkirik avtobusun içində. Qabaqda əlində toyuğun başını əzən xala bizə “boyunuzu yerə xosum” baxışları atır. Heç vaxt yadımdan çıxmayacaq!

Gömrük məntəqəsinə çatdıq axırd. Balaca uşaqlarıq deyə, hamı bizi əzə əzə qabağımıza keçdilər. Biz də pasport kontrolda ən dalda dayanmışıq. Sıra getmir ki getmir. Axırda 1 saatdan sonra 4 nəfər var idi qabağımda. O gədənin sifəti yadımdan çıxmayacaq. Getdi gözümün içinə baxa baxa günorta yeməyi yeməyə. Qayıdanda artıq bizim avtobusun pəncərədən getidiyi görə bilirdim artıq. Türkiyə- Naxçıvan sərhəddində. Bizim üçün səhralıq bir yerdə 2 burnu axan uşaq qalıb. O hissi yaddan çıxara bilməyəcəm.Sonda sən demə qarğa kimi ovunu gözləyən taksilər dayanıb. Sən demə avtobuslar elə biraz gözlüyürmüş həmişə, 4-5 nəfər də arxada bizim kimi dalda qalırmış

Yaxşı ki çox baha olmadan adam başı 5 (Aavtonbus bileti 2.5 manat idi bütün yola) manatdan İğdıra apardılar. Çatıq “Şəhərin” göbəyinə. İlk işimiz yemək axtarmaq oldu. İskəndərdən necə yediksə, 2 saat elə ölü kimi şhərdə dolnırdıq. Hərdən dükanlara girib 2 paltara baxıb çıxırdıq. Ömürümüzdə anasız paltar almayan uşaq necə qərib elədə özünə paltar alsın. 5 saatlıq dükan gəzintisindən sonra 2 şalvar, 1 ayaqqabı, 3 qolu qıssa köynək aldım.

Qayıdan ucuz taksi tapdıq. Başqa sürücülər bizim taksini şikayət etdilər ki “Korsan Taksi” var, onu təcili tutun. Taksidən 1000tl bizim də hərəmizdən 250 tl pul cərimə elədilər. Axırda başqa düzgün taksi tapdıq. Qayıdışımız da biraz baha gədi yenə… Və son olaraq da pasportumu taksidə yaddan çıxarmışdım. .. ( Sonda tapıldı, yoxsa indi bu yazını yazmazdım).

After a couple of hours, it is my birthday. I am neither happy or sad. It is only several rounds of Earth that have been done around the Sun since my birthday. In a nutshell, it has nothing to do with me, Earth is just flirting with Sun.  Poor guy, he will never reach her.

What happened since I was born, the first black president in the US, the first orange president in the US, Saddam Husein has been executed, cat videos have been increased significantly, headphones enormously get bigger, and then significantly get smaller, I lost half of  my hair, tremendous amount of people killed themselves for bad jokes, half of the population  sacrificed their years on their phone and computer, billions  of animals have been killed for feeding ourselves and 30% of these have gone to the garbage,  millions of people sacrificed their lives in the workplaces for feeding themselves in the night before sleeping because they usually forget to eat because of work, I started to like cats, I lost hope for everything and started to have it recently.

Since my birthday, I have met so many people, but most of them have stayed as strangers to me or after they became strangers. I will admit if someone would tell me that the most important stranger person will be Hungarian girl,  I would just laugh at him and clap him for his limitless imagination (there could be some exaggeration but you know what I mean). Yes, there is a Hungarian girl called Csenge but I usually call, Cseni, Diana, if she doesn’t play with my nerves “baby”. I would talk about her for hours and you probably half-cry,  half-laugh to her story. Maybe, one day, if she lets me, I will write her full story, it worth to read… I will refer her Cseni in this blog.   Our story has begun almost one and a half years ago since then I haven’t felt so attached to anyone. if you ask me you loved Cseni’s beauty for the first time, I would say nope (actually yes, I am just playing cool here).   I  fall in her mysterious vibe. I feel different around her. The moment I see her,  the cool and mature me turns out 5 years old child with a new toy jumping around until he gets tired of joy and falls asleep.  My only problem with her is I can’t prove that I haven’t met any person with all the good things in one person… I assure you that, you can’t meet any person in your life better good-hearted than her. I feel sometimes devil minded, a closed-minded, cruel person (actually I am, she just reminds me that I am these things when I am awake)  when I listen to her. I can say when someone fakes it or really mean it. The goodness comes from her heart. That is why I fall in love with her. Like every girl, she cries but she can cry for cat sneezed 2 times in a day. Well, she is the most important stranger since 23 times Earth flirted with Sun since I open my eyes. Do you really want to know her? It is impossible .. I am sorry! I told you she is mysterious… I can’t get bored of her because I think one-day yeaahh I finished to know her and the next day new thing appears all in sudden. You can’t steal her heart with a couple of flowers, 1 good dinner and 2 Oreos (Oreos would play a significant role though). You need to be really smart, good-hearted and handsome ( I won with the last, (such a humble I am!!)) otherwise, please try your chance with another person,  you can’t be even a friend with her…  In a nutshell, my stranger girl named Csenge is my personal psychologist, girlfriend but most importantly my best friend.

 

 

 

 

 

I am naked, sitting in the snow, looking at the sunrise, the wind blows on my face.  I am cold, feeling the emptiness inside me, looking for death, it will come very soon. No more than 10 seconds. My fingers are already blue, I only feel Sun on my nose. I am so lucky… Sun rises at the exact time I wanted. Neither too early to save me from the cold or too late that I would die in the darkness. People always said that dying from freezing is one of the painless death. How would they know that??? They are all living. But yes! It is painless. I don’t feel anything, at the same time I feel that I am dying. It is very peaceful. Since I remember, it is the first time I am calm.

I slowly moved my eyes to the blood mixed snow. I cut my wrists before I decided to kill him. I don’t kill myself, I kill someone inside me. Otherwise, he was going to kill me before sunrise. I can not let him take this privilege from me. …Seeing my last Sunrise.

There is something up there, holds me down… Time to time, he wants to get out, kill the world, throw away books away…

There is something up there, holds my heart, scratch walls but I blow my cigarette on him, sometimes pour my whisky …

There is something up there, screams all the time, kills me and himself all the time.  If I let him, he would kill himself with a blink of an eye. There is no one hears him or I don’t let anyone come close to hear him. There are some people hear moaning when he screams for death.

If I hold him there too much, he can kill me with no mercy. I let him go out nights, walk around, but his chains are always in my hand, I can’t let him go. He would run away, from everything, run to the forest, to sea, or wherever far from me. Where I can’t find him.

I can’t let him go…

Imagine dark! Now extend it. Make it bigger. Big enough. No, it is not big enough, bigger. Can you make it eternal, like endless? Good, we are getting somewhere. Now, put some planets in it, small or big, the shape is up to you, some stars maybe, or countless meteors, black holes( it shouldn’t hard for you to imagine, you can look up recently taken the first black hole in google), you can put whatever you want in your endless black universe, it is not necessarily should be just like our universe. For example, I put some chairs in the corner of my endless universe, maybe some planets should be tired of turning around in the dark to nowhere and they want to sit down, get some rest, look other planets, and later go back to turning again. So, you get my point. Did you?

If you can’t imagine your made up universe, we can solve it too. Let’s imagine our universe. Open your window, look up for 10 seconds( I know after 5 secs, the neck hurts). I am waiting… waitiiiiing… Good, you are back. Imagine, meteors crash in the dark universe which they are 10 times bigger than your country ( if you are living in Luxemburg, it shouldn’t be a big deal then), or 100 billion times bigger than your sun( you can imagine your sun) explode and become…. hmmm…. nothing or black hole.

Imagining is good, ha? I am pretty sure, you didn’t imagine any of them. You just read my black words, and think, “haaa, how small we are!”. Understood, you don’t like it imagine big. If I say you, pick a number you would pick up a number between 0 to 10 thousand. What about Quintillion ( 1 after 18 zero)? Okay, you even didn’t know this number exists, but I am sure you know some billion numbers. What I am saying, you(we) don’t imagine big. I am not much different than you. My biggest ambitions are to learn guitar which sits usually right after my bed, doing Rubik’s Cube under 20 secs( I am still doing it 2 mins for 3 months), or I don’t know, have a business which works for me and I would do nothing all damn single day.

Let me guess some of your goals or ambitions, or whatever you call… Finish university( I did two and the half times, means nothing), get a job( it feels good to feel financially secure but giving your best years, hmmm, it hurts), have more sleep, get 6 packs( it is up to you to think either beer or abs), leave your country because you think 3000km away is heaven(it is not). Ladies and gentlemen, I didn’t have much different ambitious than you have, to be honest, I don’t have now too. I am not writing for encouraging you to think bigger, do something good, or imagine how meteors crash, why I am writing is to change how I am thinking becuase I feel so small in my small universe, in the small planet, in the small country, in my small room sitting on very uncomfortable chair.

I need to think bigger…

I am deaf, I am blind. I don’t see anything, I don’t hear anything… But I am happy… I even smiled when I was born but I heard that babies were supposed to cry  I was smiling…

How the person like me can feel happiness… what is the happiness for the deaf, blind person? I can’t talk about what I want to say, I can’t hear birds’ singing in the morning or, I can’t see my mom’s face when she is smiling or Lady Gaga’s insured ass…That ass is supposed to be very special!

I can feel others’ feelings and what they think right now … Right! I can feel other’s feeling. Call it God’s gift for what he has taken from me or his curse. I call it my eyes and ears because I see everything through people’s feelings. It is hard to imagine for you, or it seems very unlogical but this is what I have.

Every person should taste this experience, that is hilarious. Imagine, you are on the train and you see the very young mom is holding her newborn baby. Baby is crying… I can feel her rush, anxiety, but after baby calms down and smiling at the mom… God! You can’t imagine how much love she feels.

I was feeling bad about people who feel bad about my condition… For making them feel better, I always touch their shoulder and smile. I always felt bad when people felt bad about me, then I realized that if I move my lips to sides people feel better. It is weird, isn’t it? They call it “smile” but when you make sound from the joy it is called laughing. They are very mysterious, When I realized that I can change people’s feeling with just my lips, I felt so strong about myself…

Since I born, I was always surrounded by happy people… Regardless of my condition, my mom was always happy, she never felt that I am uncompleted, after a while my dad also accepted me. I have also a  10 years old sister, she is different, When she was a kid, I usually spend time with her because I have never felt such strong happiness from anyone. She was feeling happy for small things also her sadness was very heavy to handle for me too. I sometimes felt like a vampire who sucks happiness for surviving but I haven’t reduced anyone’s happiness with feeling their happiness.

I didn’t have many friends, I wouldn’s call myself a lonely boy. People need friends for feeling better, I always felt good with feeling other’s feeling. I was sitting on the bench and ” watching kids playing football” when I felt alone. Since I see other’s inside I can compare with myself. Seeing the world through feeling is much stronger than what you hear and see. Eyes lie, ears lie too… Feelings never!

But there is always the end of everything. I grew up, I didn’t spend time with kids or my happy family anymore. I convinced my family for living alone ( we developed a common language for ourselves).

I am living alone, far from everyone I know… I don’t have enough happiness for surviving, people have forgotten how to feel good, they even can’t feel normal… Most of the people I ” know” around me are in the deep hole and can’t get outside of sadness. Even my lips and touching can’t help them. Some of them feeling down for money, others’ for their job, others are suffering from breaking up,  cancer,  hunger, not having the last brand new phone, their look…  I wish I could talk to them. Here is the part of my life I feel uncompleted. There are thousands of negative sound around me when I step out of my room. I am not strong enough to feel all negative feelings… I also feel animal’s feeling that is why I feed hungry animals outside when everyone is sleeping for feeling their happiness a bit.

I can’t handle anymore that much heaviness. I can’t shut down my sense. I am feeling all people’s negativeness, Some of them are very heavy to carry.

This is the day I re-born. I was sitting on the bench in the middle of the night for living in the peace for a couple of last hours. Far from all noises. I was going to die soon. The middle-aged lady sat on the same bench I sit. I was trying to not feel what she feels, it was impossible, what she felt was so different.  She thought that I wish he would feel different than others. Was she also feeling and hearing what I feel and think or she just thought about me? I felt that her heart rates jumped up. She said, ” are you feeling too?”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reply but I was able to think ” I can’t talk and see and yes I can feel too”.

This was the first time, I met someone who had the same ” curse” I have. She was able to speak and see but she doesn’t use them more than me.

I heard what she thought ” I wish I met you before but I am going to die, I can’t hear or feel others’ feelings, this is too much for me”. I thought the same ” this is my last hours may be in the world, do you wanna “talk” or finish it as soon as possible”. She ” nothing is gonna change, I don’t want anything for holding from the world. I am dying ” thought. There was silence, I couldn’t hear any voice anymore. I was feeling warm liquid in my legs. She killed herself with the knife.

I came home with bloody clothes. The knife was not my ideal suicide way… I hang myself from the ceiling with the blood of the woman who changed everything. I died happy because I talked for the first time!