I am deaf, I am blind. I don’t see anything, I don’t hear anything… But I am happy… I even smiled when I was born but I heard that babies were supposed to cry I was smiling…
How the person like me can feel happiness… what is the happiness for the deaf, blind person? I can’t talk about what I want to say, I can’t hear birds’ singing in the morning or, I can’t see my mom’s face when she is smiling or Lady Gaga’s insured ass…That ass is supposed to be very special!
I can feel others’ feelings and what they think right now … Right! I can feel other’s feeling. Call it God’s gift for what he has taken from me or his curse. I call it my eyes and ears because I see everything through people’s feelings. It is hard to imagine for you, or it seems very unlogical but this is what I have.
Every person should taste this experience, that is hilarious. Imagine, you are on the train and you see the very young mom is holding her newborn baby. Baby is crying… I can feel her rush, anxiety, but after baby calms down and smiling at the mom… God! You can’t imagine how much love she feels.
I was feeling bad about people who feel bad about my condition… For making them feel better, I always touch their shoulder and smile. I always felt bad when people felt bad about me, then I realized that if I move my lips to sides people feel better. It is weird, isn’t it? They call it “smile” but when you make sound from the joy it is called laughing. They are very mysterious, When I realized that I can change people’s feeling with just my lips, I felt so strong about myself…
Since I born, I was always surrounded by happy people… Regardless of my condition, my mom was always happy, she never felt that I am uncompleted, after a while my dad also accepted me. I have also a 10 years old sister, she is different, When she was a kid, I usually spend time with her because I have never felt such strong happiness from anyone. She was feeling happy for small things also her sadness was very heavy to handle for me too. I sometimes felt like a vampire who sucks happiness for surviving but I haven’t reduced anyone’s happiness with feeling their happiness.
I didn’t have many friends, I wouldn’s call myself a lonely boy. People need friends for feeling better, I always felt good with feeling other’s feeling. I was sitting on the bench and ” watching kids playing football” when I felt alone. Since I see other’s inside I can compare with myself. Seeing the world through feeling is much stronger than what you hear and see. Eyes lie, ears lie too… Feelings never!
But there is always the end of everything. I grew up, I didn’t spend time with kids or my happy family anymore. I convinced my family for living alone ( we developed a common language for ourselves).
I am living alone, far from everyone I know… I don’t have enough happiness for surviving, people have forgotten how to feel good, they even can’t feel normal… Most of the people I ” know” around me are in the deep hole and can’t get outside of sadness. Even my lips and touching can’t help them. Some of them feeling down for money, others’ for their job, others are suffering from breaking up, cancer, hunger, not having the last brand new phone, their look… I wish I could talk to them. Here is the part of my life I feel uncompleted. There are thousands of negative sound around me when I step out of my room. I am not strong enough to feel all negative feelings… I also feel animal’s feeling that is why I feed hungry animals outside when everyone is sleeping for feeling their happiness a bit.
I can’t handle anymore that much heaviness. I can’t shut down my sense. I am feeling all people’s negativeness, Some of them are very heavy to carry.
This is the day I re-born. I was sitting on the bench in the middle of the night for living in the peace for a couple of last hours. Far from all noises. I was going to die soon. The middle-aged lady sat on the same bench I sit. I was trying to not feel what she feels, it was impossible, what she felt was so different. She thought that I wish he would feel different than others. Was she also feeling and hearing what I feel and think or she just thought about me? I felt that her heart rates jumped up. She said, ” are you feeling too?”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reply but I was able to think ” I can’t talk and see and yes I can feel too”.
This was the first time, I met someone who had the same ” curse” I have. She was able to speak and see but she doesn’t use them more than me.
I heard what she thought ” I wish I met you before but I am going to die, I can’t hear or feel others’ feelings, this is too much for me”. I thought the same ” this is my last hours may be in the world, do you wanna “talk” or finish it as soon as possible”. She ” nothing is gonna change, I don’t want anything for holding from the world. I am dying ” thought. There was silence, I couldn’t hear any voice anymore. I was feeling warm liquid in my legs. She killed herself with the knife.
I came home with bloody clothes. The knife was not my ideal suicide way… I hang myself from the ceiling with the blood of the woman who changed everything. I died happy because I talked for the first time!