metrodaheyat

Uşaqlığımda heç yerə gedə bilməyimi düşünürdüm Ancaq Naxçıvanda qalıb elə buradaca həyatımı sona çataçağını düşünən biri idim. Çünki evin həyətindən uzağa gedə bilmirdim evdəkilərin qoruxusundan. Hətta bir dəfə kəmərlə belə döyülmüşəm sadəcə yolu keçdiyim üçün. Məni az çox anladınız sizə nə demək istəyirəm.

Pasportumu 2013-cü ildə aldım. Hələ o vaxt 16 yaşında uşaqların pasport alması qadağan olan müddətdə. Necə yenə əlləm-qülləm elədim pasportu aldım hamıdan qabaq. İlk dəfə pasportu əlimə aldıqda sanki dünyaların qapısı açılmış kimi hiss elədim. Sizə də əla gəlməmişdi?

Amma sizdə də yəqin elə olub, o pasport mamanın süvenerəri arasında toz basmağa talib oldu.Lakin, onu orda çox saxlaya bilməzdim və bir qırğınla qonşu ölkəyə getmək üçün 16 yaşımda dava ilə icazə aldım.

Almaz olaydım….

Dostum Əli, ilə Türkiyə səyahətinə çıxdıq. Onunla birgə almışdım pasportu. Yazıq uşaq bilsəydi o səhvi eləməzdi.

Deməli, ikimizdə gecədən tez sevincərək yatmışıq ki, səhər birinci dəfə başqa ölkəyə gedəcəyik ( bizim Afət qonşu üçün kartofun kilosu 30 qəpik olan bazardı amma) . Səhərin gözü açılmamışdan, biz artıq evin qabağında gözlüyürük. Avtobus dayanağı bizim evə yaxın idi. Hərərmizdə anamızdan bir təhər 100 manat qopartmışıq ki gedim paltar alacağıq. Bəxtəvər başımıza.

Uzun yolda yaxşı oğlanlar kimi şəkil çəkirik avtobusun içində. Qabaqda əlində toyuğun başını əzən xala bizə “boyunuzu yerə xosum” baxışları atır. Heç vaxt yadımdan çıxmayacaq!

Gömrük məntəqəsinə çatdıq axırd. Balaca uşaqlarıq deyə, hamı bizi əzə əzə qabağımıza keçdilər. Biz də pasport kontrolda ən dalda dayanmışıq. Sıra getmir ki getmir. Axırda 1 saatdan sonra 4 nəfər var idi qabağımda. O gədənin sifəti yadımdan çıxmayacaq. Getdi gözümün içinə baxa baxa günorta yeməyi yeməyə. Qayıdanda artıq bizim avtobusun pəncərədən getidiyi görə bilirdim artıq. Türkiyə- Naxçıvan sərhəddində. Bizim üçün səhralıq bir yerdə 2 burnu axan uşaq qalıb. O hissi yaddan çıxara bilməyəcəm.Sonda sən demə qarğa kimi ovunu gözləyən taksilər dayanıb. Sən demə avtobuslar elə biraz gözlüyürmüş həmişə, 4-5 nəfər də arxada bizim kimi dalda qalırmış

Yaxşı ki çox baha olmadan adam başı 5 (Aavtonbus bileti 2.5 manat idi bütün yola) manatdan İğdıra apardılar. Çatıq “Şəhərin” göbəyinə. İlk işimiz yemək axtarmaq oldu. İskəndərdən necə yediksə, 2 saat elə ölü kimi şhərdə dolnırdıq. Hərdən dükanlara girib 2 paltara baxıb çıxırdıq. Ömürümüzdə anasız paltar almayan uşaq necə qərib elədə özünə paltar alsın. 5 saatlıq dükan gəzintisindən sonra 2 şalvar, 1 ayaqqabı, 3 qolu qıssa köynək aldım.

Qayıdan ucuz taksi tapdıq. Başqa sürücülər bizim taksini şikayət etdilər ki “Korsan Taksi” var, onu təcili tutun. Taksidən 1000tl bizim də hərəmizdən 250 tl pul cərimə elədilər. Axırda başqa düzgün taksi tapdıq. Qayıdışımız da biraz baha gədi yenə… Və son olaraq da pasportumu taksidə yaddan çıxarmışdım. .. ( Sonda tapıldı, yoxsa indi bu yazını yazmazdım).

After a couple of hours, it is my birthday. I am neither happy or sad. It is only several rounds of Earth that have been done around the Sun since my birthday. In a nutshell, it has nothing to do with me, Earth is just flirting with Sun.  Poor guy, he will never reach her.

What happened since I was born, the first black president in the US, the first orange president in the US, Saddam Husein has been executed, cat videos have been increased significantly, headphones enormously get bigger, and then significantly get smaller, I lost half of  my hair, tremendous amount of people killed themselves for bad jokes, half of the population  sacrificed their years on their phone and computer, billions  of animals have been killed for feeding ourselves and 30% of these have gone to the garbage,  millions of people sacrificed their lives in the workplaces for feeding themselves in the night before sleeping because they usually forget to eat because of work, I started to like cats, I lost hope for everything and started to have it recently.

Since my birthday, I have met so many people, but most of them have stayed as strangers to me or after they became strangers. I will admit if someone would tell me that the most important stranger person will be Hungarian girl,  I would just laugh at him and clap him for his limitless imagination (there could be some exaggeration but you know what I mean). Yes, there is a Hungarian girl called Csenge but I usually call, Cseni, Diana, if she doesn’t play with my nerves “baby”. I would talk about her for hours and you probably half-cry,  half-laugh to her story. Maybe, one day, if she lets me, I will write her full story, it worth to read… I will refer her Cseni in this blog.   Our story has begun almost one and a half years ago since then I haven’t felt so attached to anyone. if you ask me you loved Cseni’s beauty for the first time, I would say nope (actually yes, I am just playing cool here).   I  fall in her mysterious vibe. I feel different around her. The moment I see her,  the cool and mature me turns out 5 years old child with a new toy jumping around until he gets tired of joy and falls asleep.  My only problem with her is I can’t prove that I haven’t met any person with all the good things in one person… I assure you that, you can’t meet any person in your life better good-hearted than her. I feel sometimes devil minded, a closed-minded, cruel person (actually I am, she just reminds me that I am these things when I am awake)  when I listen to her. I can say when someone fakes it or really mean it. The goodness comes from her heart. That is why I fall in love with her. Like every girl, she cries but she can cry for cat sneezed 2 times in a day. Well, she is the most important stranger since 23 times Earth flirted with Sun since I open my eyes. Do you really want to know her? It is impossible .. I am sorry! I told you she is mysterious… I can’t get bored of her because I think one-day yeaahh I finished to know her and the next day new thing appears all in sudden. You can’t steal her heart with a couple of flowers, 1 good dinner and 2 Oreos (Oreos would play a significant role though). You need to be really smart, good-hearted and handsome ( I won with the last, (such a humble I am!!)) otherwise, please try your chance with another person,  you can’t be even a friend with her…  In a nutshell, my stranger girl named Csenge is my personal psychologist, girlfriend but most importantly my best friend.

 

 

 

 

 

I am naked, sitting in the snow, looking at the sunrise, the wind blows on my face.  I am cold, feeling the emptiness inside me, looking for death, it will come very soon. No more than 10 seconds. My fingers are already blue, I only feel Sun on my nose. I am so lucky… Sun rises at the exact time I wanted. Neither too early to save me from the cold or too late that I would die in the darkness. People always said that dying from freezing is one of the painless death. How would they know that??? They are all living. But yes! It is painless. I don’t feel anything, at the same time I feel that I am dying. It is very peaceful. Since I remember, it is the first time I am calm.

I slowly moved my eyes to the blood mixed snow. I cut my wrists before I decided to kill him. I don’t kill myself, I kill someone inside me. Otherwise, he was going to kill me before sunrise. I can not let him take this privilege from me. …Seeing my last Sunrise.

There is something up there, holds me down… Time to time, he wants to get out, kill the world, throw away books away…

There is something up there, holds my heart, scratch walls but I blow my cigarette on him, sometimes pour my whisky …

There is something up there, screams all the time, kills me and himself all the time.  If I let him, he would kill himself with a blink of an eye. There is no one hears him or I don’t let anyone come close to hear him. There are some people hear moaning when he screams for death.

If I hold him there too much, he can kill me with no mercy. I let him go out nights, walk around, but his chains are always in my hand, I can’t let him go. He would run away, from everything, run to the forest, to sea, or wherever far from me. Where I can’t find him.

I can’t let him go…

Imagine dark! Now extend it. Make it bigger. Big enough. No, it is not big enough, bigger. Can you make it eternal, like endless? Good, we are getting somewhere. Now, put some planets in it, small or big, the shape is up to you, some stars maybe, or countless meteors, black holes( it shouldn’t hard for you to imagine, you can look up recently taken the first black hole in google), you can put whatever you want in your endless black universe, it is not necessarily should be just like our universe. For example, I put some chairs in the corner of my endless universe, maybe some planets should be tired of turning around in the dark to nowhere and they want to sit down, get some rest, look other planets, and later go back to turning again. So, you get my point. Did you?

If you can’t imagine your made up universe, we can solve it too. Let’s imagine our universe. Open your window, look up for 10 seconds( I know after 5 secs, the neck hurts). I am waiting… waitiiiiing… Good, you are back. Imagine, meteors crash in the dark universe which they are 10 times bigger than your country ( if you are living in Luxemburg, it shouldn’t be a big deal then), or 100 billion times bigger than your sun( you can imagine your sun) explode and become…. hmmm…. nothing or black hole.

Imagining is good, ha? I am pretty sure, you didn’t imagine any of them. You just read my black words, and think, “haaa, how small we are!”. Understood, you don’t like it imagine big. If I say you, pick a number you would pick up a number between 0 to 10 thousand. What about Quintillion ( 1 after 18 zero)? Okay, you even didn’t know this number exists, but I am sure you know some billion numbers. What I am saying, you(we) don’t imagine big. I am not much different than you. My biggest ambitions are to learn guitar which sits usually right after my bed, doing Rubik’s Cube under 20 secs( I am still doing it 2 mins for 3 months), or I don’t know, have a business which works for me and I would do nothing all damn single day.

Let me guess some of your goals or ambitions, or whatever you call… Finish university( I did two and the half times, means nothing), get a job( it feels good to feel financially secure but giving your best years, hmmm, it hurts), have more sleep, get 6 packs( it is up to you to think either beer or abs), leave your country because you think 3000km away is heaven(it is not). Ladies and gentlemen, I didn’t have much different ambitious than you have, to be honest, I don’t have now too. I am not writing for encouraging you to think bigger, do something good, or imagine how meteors crash, why I am writing is to change how I am thinking becuase I feel so small in my small universe, in the small planet, in the small country, in my small room sitting on very uncomfortable chair.

I need to think bigger…

I am deaf, I am blind. I don’t see anything, I don’t hear anything… But I am happy… I even smiled when I was born but I heard that babies were supposed to cry  I was smiling…

How the person like me can feel happiness… what is the happiness for the deaf, blind person? I can’t talk about what I want to say, I can’t hear birds’ singing in the morning or, I can’t see my mom’s face when she is smiling or Lady Gaga’s insured ass…That ass is supposed to be very special!

I can feel others’ feelings and what they think right now … Right! I can feel other’s feeling. Call it God’s gift for what he has taken from me or his curse. I call it my eyes and ears because I see everything through people’s feelings. It is hard to imagine for you, or it seems very unlogical but this is what I have.

Every person should taste this experience, that is hilarious. Imagine, you are on the train and you see the very young mom is holding her newborn baby. Baby is crying… I can feel her rush, anxiety, but after baby calms down and smiling at the mom… God! You can’t imagine how much love she feels.

I was feeling bad about people who feel bad about my condition… For making them feel better, I always touch their shoulder and smile. I always felt bad when people felt bad about me, then I realized that if I move my lips to sides people feel better. It is weird, isn’t it? They call it “smile” but when you make sound from the joy it is called laughing. They are very mysterious, When I realized that I can change people’s feeling with just my lips, I felt so strong about myself…

Since I born, I was always surrounded by happy people… Regardless of my condition, my mom was always happy, she never felt that I am uncompleted, after a while my dad also accepted me. I have also a  10 years old sister, she is different, When she was a kid, I usually spend time with her because I have never felt such strong happiness from anyone. She was feeling happy for small things also her sadness was very heavy to handle for me too. I sometimes felt like a vampire who sucks happiness for surviving but I haven’t reduced anyone’s happiness with feeling their happiness.

I didn’t have many friends, I wouldn’s call myself a lonely boy. People need friends for feeling better, I always felt good with feeling other’s feeling. I was sitting on the bench and ” watching kids playing football” when I felt alone. Since I see other’s inside I can compare with myself. Seeing the world through feeling is much stronger than what you hear and see. Eyes lie, ears lie too… Feelings never!

But there is always the end of everything. I grew up, I didn’t spend time with kids or my happy family anymore. I convinced my family for living alone ( we developed a common language for ourselves).

I am living alone, far from everyone I know… I don’t have enough happiness for surviving, people have forgotten how to feel good, they even can’t feel normal… Most of the people I ” know” around me are in the deep hole and can’t get outside of sadness. Even my lips and touching can’t help them. Some of them feeling down for money, others’ for their job, others are suffering from breaking up,  cancer,  hunger, not having the last brand new phone, their look…  I wish I could talk to them. Here is the part of my life I feel uncompleted. There are thousands of negative sound around me when I step out of my room. I am not strong enough to feel all negative feelings… I also feel animal’s feeling that is why I feed hungry animals outside when everyone is sleeping for feeling their happiness a bit.

I can’t handle anymore that much heaviness. I can’t shut down my sense. I am feeling all people’s negativeness, Some of them are very heavy to carry.

This is the day I re-born. I was sitting on the bench in the middle of the night for living in the peace for a couple of last hours. Far from all noises. I was going to die soon. The middle-aged lady sat on the same bench I sit. I was trying to not feel what she feels, it was impossible, what she felt was so different.  She thought that I wish he would feel different than others. Was she also feeling and hearing what I feel and think or she just thought about me? I felt that her heart rates jumped up. She said, ” are you feeling too?”. Unfortunately, I couldn’t reply but I was able to think ” I can’t talk and see and yes I can feel too”.

This was the first time, I met someone who had the same ” curse” I have. She was able to speak and see but she doesn’t use them more than me.

I heard what she thought ” I wish I met you before but I am going to die, I can’t hear or feel others’ feelings, this is too much for me”. I thought the same ” this is my last hours may be in the world, do you wanna “talk” or finish it as soon as possible”. She ” nothing is gonna change, I don’t want anything for holding from the world. I am dying ” thought. There was silence, I couldn’t hear any voice anymore. I was feeling warm liquid in my legs. She killed herself with the knife.

I came home with bloody clothes. The knife was not my ideal suicide way… I hang myself from the ceiling with the blood of the woman who changed everything. I died happy because I talked for the first time!

 

This is my testament, burn me… Smile at my soul while burning me, maybe my body will take goodwill from your lips.  Pour perfume over my dead body while burning me, maybe the flowers will be more smelly which will grow up from my ash. Who knows, maybe my grandson will bring those flowers to his love? But this is my testament, put my ashes in a glass vase, put on the table… until your ashes mix up with my ashes or some careless daughter -in-low throw our ashes to the trash box.  Until that day, our ashes mix so much that even the flower which will grow up from our ashes. will have both your love and my smell which you have shed over me when I die.

Maybe flowers came from love’s ashes…

Please, be alone while burning me as our first date, you and me… Sit on the chair while I am burning from your love. I know you can’t stand much.  I only apologize for while you are sitting,  I will be laying in my place.